College Football & Nice Suprises

As I've been watching ESPN I've been thinking that another season of college football is going to start soon and I won't be able to watch games and talk college ball with my Mom who was maybe the biggest fan I've ever known.I am not sure that I'll watch and honestly been feeling a little sorry for myself.Another thing cancer took away,like it just took my friend Kurt's sister Jane.

As I was thinking about all this I was looking through the pictures on Mom's camera when I found these two.That's Mom and Chipper doing what everyone does when they get a digital camera,you take a few pics of yourself.These pictures of her being silly just made me smile and realize that cancer didn't take it all.So I'll be watching the Gators this fall and not alone their biggest fan will be right there with me.

Life's Not Fair

So this week I've decided to get serious about eating right and going to the gym every day,like I've never said that before.Thing is,I'm trying.Here's where the unfair part is,I'm walking out of Hvvee with all my Healthy Choices and Lean Cuisines and fruit and all that shit when I catch a whiff of this wonderful smell.It's the Burger Shack in the parking lot,they are grilling big,thick burgers and juicy brats and the aroma draws me in like a moth to a flame.I see their sign which says I can have two burgers or two brats with chips and a drink for five bucks,what a deal !Then I notice that working the grill and the counter are three gorgeous blondes,they are wearing shorts and little tank tops and are beautiful in that Midwest girl-next-door way.Now how the fuck am I suppose to resist that?I will be 300 lbs by summer's end ! It's just not fair !

The Malibu

For some time Dad's been talking about selling Mom's car and today mentioned he wanted to show it to someone.I told him to let me clean it up a bit first.It was going along OK till I opened the trunk,in there was the bag holding Mom's things from hospice.Her pajamas all neatly folded like I had just done her laundry.Her well worn winter coat and gloves that I helped her into so many cold mornings to go to chemo.she was always ready to go of I was.Even those godawful weeks going to radiation every morning in subzero temperatures as long as I was game,so was she.I try to focus on those brave mornings,but all I see today is that last time she bundled up to go to the hospital knowing as well as I that she wasn't coming home this time.Even though the fucking cancer had taken so much of her mind by then she knew.I know this sadness will pass and I will be able to remember my brave and funny Mom but right now my heart hurts.

New Job

My New Wheels

As of today my duties at the Lingle Place are no longer confined to working in the Big House, I now am also a part time field hand.I am the proud operator of this fine piece of machinery you see here!First I got to experience the joy that is shopping with Big Al,all I'll say about that is I hope this mower lasts as long as they say it will because I don't think we'll be welcomed back to this fine business any time soon.On the other hand it was funny to see the chief fire up the ol' Snapper and give it full throttle I wasn't sure if it was going to drag him to Watertown or pull his arms out of their sockets.When he finally let go he was half way into the street,old people!At least I think his curiosity is satisfied.So for the first time in years I mowed anyone that's seen the place knows that's no small job.I found it oddly soothing in a Midwest Zen sort of way.of course now I'm sore as heck.Hello Flexeril & Vicodin my old friends.I better rest up I may have some plowing or baling or some shit like that to do tomorrow.

Network TV Is Fucking With Our Elderly

First let me repeat my dear cuz Courtney's wise words " Old People Are Crazy ",I don't believe that this threat to our country's peace of mind has been addressed but it is the wrinkly-assed,belligerent,nut job elephant in our living room,in my case that is literally true.While I'm sure Olders have always been loopy,I believe network tv,and especially that thirty minutes of pain known as the ABC Nightly News is to blame for the escalation of the lunacy.During this half hour there is always,always i say some type of story about some vague evil that is either going to kill them or take their money which is worse,by the way.A new virus or homicidal Jap cars are after them and the Big Business is at this moment robbing them blind.The commercial breaks are all ads for meds that Geezers don't understand but have to have now.My Dad is convinced that he has fibromyalgia and that he needs Boniva.Then for fun come the ads for attorneys that to a Senior look like a government announcement about how their Social Security Disability money is about to go the way of the Passenger Pigeon.They are personally coming for Big Al's disability check which is strange because he's not on disability but Obayma ,as Dad pronounces it,is stealing his last pennies.As I'm pretty sure that as likely the only person under 60 that is watching this I feel I must warn you about these TV driven Ancient menaces before its too late.Save your selves brothers and sister I fear I've lived among them too long.Run fast,run far!

Philodendrons And Life

When Mom was first hospitalized she received tons of cards,e-mails and flowers.Anyone that knew her couldn't possibly be surprised to hear that.Almost lost among all these was a bedraggled little philodendron planted in a coffee mug given to her by my cousin.It was one of the first things she got and as other items arrived it got moved around,pushed to the back and even knocked onto the floor at least once.By the time Mom was finally discharged we had forgotten it altogether.As I gathered up everything from her room to go home I came across it at the back of the shelf and asked Mom if she wanted it,well by now it's one stem and leaf were hanging over the side of the cup and she first said no, but at the last minute changed her mind .Its care didn't improve after it's arrival on Elm Ave either for at least a month it sat neglected amidst all Mom's plants at home.One day I started to dump it out and wash the mug but didn't,instead I gave it a little water and the next day it looked like new.I told Mom and she didn't know it was still around,she was still pretty much bedridden still and hadn't been in the living room much since coming home.I continued to water it for a couple more weeks and began to notice it was growing and branching.By now Mom was spending time in the living room and we would occasionally talk about transplanting it to a bigger pot though we didn't,these were pretty busy days in Mom's care.About three months later I came home from the gym to discover that Mom had finally moved it to a bigger pot,these were Mom's best days and mine.Within two weeks it had nearly doubled in size and even if Mom wasn't able to take care of her other plants this one she always watered.It sat and grew and flourished next to Mom's spot in the living room and I would often see her looking at it.Of course Mom's good days didn't last for ever and after she was gone I neglected all her plants for a while.Finally one day it occurred to me that she would be disappointed if she knew that.This is when I noticed the philodendron was once again in poor shape,so I moved it into a spiffy new pot ,gave it some food and and made supports to hold it up,it's stem had nearly broken .Now it is two feet tall and back next to Mom's chair and I often find myself just looking at it,amazed at the power of the force of life.

Still Day 1 The cable splicing! If there was a cable anywhere close to me I was doomed to sever it.Thats a hazard your pioneers never had to tackle!

Day 1 The Ground Breaking

Elm Avenue Gardening & Surf Club

It's sod bustin' time !!

Hope & Change

So I'm in in line at Casey's,up ahead is this couple that would need several upgrades to qualify as Poor White Trash.They have their total net worth spread out before them in glorious copper and nickel and they are counting it up one coin at a time in that quick,yet futile pace that only tweakers can manage.And why ? They HOPE they have enough CHANGE to buy a pack of smokes!

To Bike Or Not ?

So,with the warmer weather I'm thinking about buying a bike.Not a racing bike or some $3000 dollar mountain bike.Something in between an off-road bike and a good old beach cruiser like the ones the cannabis-addled burners ride around West Newport.The pros are there are lots of places to ride here,it's decent exercise and I might get rid of this bluish-white color my skin has become.The cons are 5 months out of the year it would be in the garage because its too hot and humid or duhh everythings under snow and I'm sure to fall and eat shit and I'm too old.Another con is I would feel like some type of circus act,see above illustration.Any thoughts?

Wondering

So..I'm cleaning up the house,and yes I know how crazy that sounds,anyways I'm cleaning the house because we're having company for Easter and I realize that I have been singing the theme song of " Green Acres " in my head over and over all morning.Now I'm wondering does that mean I'm taking too much medicine or not enough??Any thoughts ???

64 Above!

Well we finally seem to be done with winter and good fucking riddance I say!The snow is gone and it's in the 60's above zero and the spring fever is ragin'.The sidewalks and parks are full of Dakotans emerging from their burrows squinting at the shiny yellow thing up in the sky.Everywhere you look pairs of pale blue-white legs are on full display walking and biking.I'm out there with them just as pasty as the rest,it's been cold so long I forgot what my own tatoos look like!Cool as ever glad to report.I don't know if the sun has gotten to me but I'm thinking seriously about buying a bike,but it might pass.I'm bring the BBQ up to the deck and gonna fire it up,jerk chicken in Brookskings boyyyyy!

Operation Corolla Rescue

Three days of digging and I still haven't been able to get her out of the driveway!Anybody ever see those WWII documentaries where they show the German troops freezing their asses off in USSR trying to dig their tanks out of the snow?I think I know how that felt!

Dating

Well I've done it,signed up for Chemistry.com.Gonna try the online mating service,I have a very good friend who found someone amazing,so I say what the Hell.So far,with one exception,the matches they've found are old like me,Fuck!At first Iwondered where are all those pretty,damaged,wild twentysomethings that I remember from my glorious misspent youth.I admit that most of them were high-maintenance head cases but they were awful pretty and I wasn't often bored.Then it occurs to me that maybe I was supposed to pick ONE to stick with then instead of assuming it was an endless supply.Shit apparently I wasn't clear on the whole process.and I would like a do-over.I guess I'll see what turns up,wish me luck !

Public Servants Cali vs. Dakota

I finally got my damned car paid off,got the paperwork in the mail and everything!Next step is going to DMV to get Toyota removed from the title,then and only then,am I free from Their Satanic Majesties,or Toyota Financial Services.As a native Californian this was a horrifying thought.Let me compare the two processes for you.
In Cali I would have had to plan on at least half a day if not more to get this done.First I would have waited in the first line for an opportunity to explain myself to a hostile semi English speaking clerk who will give me a piece of paper with a number on it and direct me to the correct holding pen.With a little luck I will understand these directions and off I'll go
Now begins the Waiting Time,staring at a video monitor awaiting the appearance of my number.No matter that my rational mind tells me that my number won't be on that screen soon if ever,I still begin staring at the Magic T.V. immediately.There will be nowhere to sit and the air will be alive with the aroma of Cultural Diversity.I begin to wonder if the US has lost a war and forgotten to send me the orders to withdraw,lonesome feelings sink in.But wait, Holy Fuck that's my number!!To the counter I go,there I will once again present my paperwork and explain myself to the New American, who no doubt, as a government official in their homeland had the power to order the immediate shooting of any motorist that got out of line.I will no doubt need to repeat my humble request, but if I have indeed been directed to the correct clerk ,this very unhappy Recent Arrival will collect a fee of some sort and hand over the title.I will now be the proud owner of a Corolla!!
In South Dakota I go to the County Treasurer's office,I stroll up to the counter and a pleasant middle aged woman named Debby stamps my forms,keeps one,hands me my title,laughs when I ask about fees and says have nice day.
I'm sure the first account sounds all too real to my Cali friends, and they will think I made up this Debby person or maybe my brain has become frostbitten but they are both true stories.

Wintery Mix

If you grew up in Cali and someone asked you what is " Wintery Mix "you might guess it was some sort of festive mix of hard candies that you get at X-Mas time,or maybe some type of hearty vegetable soup and you'd be wrong.It's nothing as pleasant as that it is,in fact, just about the nastiest weather you could imagine.The temp hovers right around freezing and in the air is a mixture of fog,rain and snow.All of this hits the ground and turns to one giant dirty snowcone which periodically freezes over with a nice slick surface. All of which means somebody with my cat-like agility and reflexes is basically fucked.Doomed to at least slip and slide around if not just fall flat on my ass!Good Times !!

Random

Back to the gym this week after being sick with a cold all last week,mostly pretty half-assed till today.Loaded up the IPod with a playlist I like to call SweatFucker really mellow stuff like TSOL,Agent Orange,Fear and Pennywise.Blasted that shit so loud I think sound was coming out my pores,45 minutes of that on the elliptical machine will clear your head.Now I need a nap.Turns out that a broken heart is a real physical thing I didn't really understand that till Mom died.It comes and goes I'll be moving along,functional;then Boom the floor disappears,and I'm not sure if my heart is beating or not sorta like I would imagine drowning feels.It comes in waves and then passes.New experience for me, I guess I'm lucky to have lived this long before I had to deal with one.On the weather front,rain on top of snow sucks!!Best jacked up sign in town "Nut Buster Sundae "It was fixed to say Peanut Butter Sundae before I could get a picture.Go Vikes!Chargers Suck!

Hot Dishes For Haiti

The call has gone out across the Sioux Empire,East river and West,to Barbs,Debs, Elaines ,Lynns,and all the Petersens,Olsens,and Gustaffsons.The people of Haiti need casseroles!All the neighbor ladies are assembling cream of mushroomy,noodly wonders for the people of Hay-Tie.You won't be able to find a foil baking dish to save your life once it begins.Soon to follow this starchy airlift will come the Jello salads,ice box cakes and bars and cookies of all kinds.After all the goods we received after Mom passed I have no doubt thatthat all the Hay-Tians will be eating good soon.Of course there will be coffee and Mountain Dew in rivers to wash it all down!

The Lutheran Cookies

When planning my Mom's memorial we needed someone to put together a reception type deal for afterward.Not one of my strengths,event planning,and my ultra-organized cousin had yet to arrive.So the neighbor ladies volunteered to arrange everything.In meeting with them they mentioned that they had never seen Mom in church and they attend both Lutheran churches in town.I informed them that my Mom was a good Southern Baptist that didn't go in for any Yankee Lutheran foolishness.They were disappointed but carried on.They baked a small mountain of brownies but the big hit was the cookies.I think they were trying to sneak in a little recruiting for the Lutherans with their baked goods.I don't know if they got any converts among the Baptists,but I know I'll never forget the Lutheran cookies.

The Backstory

Here goes,I am a Cali native who 6 months ago packed up & relocated to South Dakota to care for my Mom who had cancer.She passed away about a week ago.Now it's me and my 80 year old,hard of hearing Dad as roommates.Hopefully some hilarity will ensue,meanwhile I'll write here as often as I can.Some of it will be kinda serious,loss etc.,but some will be amusing in a fish out of water type way.